Presence

Well, I already failed at posting every day in November, but it’s not without good reason!

Yesterday, some of our bestest most dearest friends hosted a going away party in their home. They’re moving away from Chicago next week and my heart/mind keep waffling between complete denial (I see you, Aunt Sheila!), telling myself that it’s fine because I probably won’t miss them that much anyway (rude!), and deep sadness. 

This friendship was formed in the dark places. In the deep places of despair that the last three years brought us, these two people showed up. They brought laughter and support and friendship in a way we really needed it.


Walking with them through dark times— both ours and theirs— has been one of God’s great gifts in this season.

The party was a come and go event that started at noon, but Dan went over there early to help with some packing and prep, and I arrived just after noon with the cheese to go on top of the chili they were serving. Our plan was to stay as long as we wanted to before we headed out to the burbs to have dinner at another friend’s house. 

Around three o’clock I said to Dan, “If we’re going to go over to the Miller’s house for dinner, I’m gonna need some introvert time.”

So, I grabbed my bag and intended to head to a coffee shop, when my host friend said, “You know, if you want to, you can just go sit in the grey chair in the basement and read. There’s tea down there.”

To which I replied, “That’s exactly what I want to do.”  

I went downstairs. She brought me a mug. I made coffee (instead of tea) from the Keurig in the basement kitchenette, then sat down in the grey chair to work on yesterday’s post. This is what I wrote:

Presence.
It’s been a hot topic in Christian women’s circles (or maybe just womens’ circles) for the last decade or so. 

It’s seen a slow and holy rise in popularity, and I’d like to throw a few of my own thoughts into the mix.

On Wednesday, I spoke with a spiritual director named Joan on the phone for our first spiritual direction session.  

Spiritual direction is something I wasn’t familiar with until a few years ago or so. Spiritual directors are basically professional listeners. They listen, they ask good questions, and they help you see where God is at in your life. 

In other words, spiritual directors help you become aware of God’s presence in your everyday life.

On Wednesday, Joan asked me to talk about a time when I had received a really great gift — a gift that I was able to receive deep down in my soul. 

The first thing that popped into my mind was the first Christmas Dan and I celebrated together. He handed me an envelope, along with a bag of peppermint pattys, and said, “Here. Merry Christmas!”

I opened the envelope and pulled out a giftcard to the Trapeze School of New York in Chicago, and my heart exploded. I think I actually cried. I don’t know why, but for some reason that gift made me feel so seen. I hadn’t asked for it. He’d just heard me say how fun it would be to take a class every time we passed their outdoor trapeze location that was set up alongside Lake Michigan.

I hugged him. I cried. I said ‘thank you,’ and I felt absolute joy.

“Okay,” Joan said. “I can hear it in your voice just how fun and meaningful that gift was for you. What’s it like for you to receive from God?”

I paused and a picture emerged in my mind — a preteen version of the Rachel you see today, standing next to a tall, lanky God wearing khaki pants and a Mr. Rogers button-up sweater. He had tasseled brown hair and tiny round glasses. God bent over to hand me a beautifully wrapped package. In response, I turned away , crossed my arms, and glanced back over my shoulder to give him the scoweliest of skeptical glances that I could possibly muster up.

What’s it like for you to receive from God?

It was a question I really struggled with. Intellectually I know that God is the giver of good gifts. He’s given me so many of them (including the friends I told you about earlier). But at the heart level, I realized, I’m not so sure I can receive them.

Joan told me this sounded normal considering the hard season I had been in. Sometimes, it’s hard to believe good things are coming when you’ve been so used to going without them. Or, in my case, when you’ve received good gifts and so many of them turned out to be sour.  

“There’s something I want you to try over the next month,” Joan said. “Practice receiving. Go for a walk outside and when you notice something beautiful, just pause for a second and receive it. Beauty is a gift from God.” 

On my way to the party this morning, I stuck my headphones in to listen to the latest episode of Pantsuit Politics. Donal Trump is undergoing impeachment investigations and I really wanted to hear Sarah and Beth’s latest insight!

I grabbed my coat and my bag and stepped outside into the crisp autumn breeze. Winter hit Chicago on Thursday, but the snow had since melted away. The sun was out, the sky was blue, and the northside sidewalk on Wellington Avenue was encased in a canopy of colorful trees. I hit pause on my podcast and…

received. 

The real gift of being present is the ability to receive— Receive the beauty. Receive the trees. Receive the mixed up emotions of a good friend’s going away party. Receive their house, for one final time. Receive the basement chair and the Keurig coffee. Receive dinner with friends in their quaint suburban home. Receive the food, receive the nourishment. Receive, receive, receive.