Gratitude & The Thing Behind the Thing

We live in a very small apartment. It’s around 750 square feet. It has a short, narrow entryway; a living room that leads into a dining nook; a small galley kitchen with one measly drawer; a bathroom that has perhaps never been updated, and one decently sized bedroom. The walls are painted a cozy shade of gray, and the laminate, faux-wood floors are just a little bit uneven.

I’ve never fully decorated. The impermanence of a rental has somehow made it difficult for me to decide what I want. What if this painting/wall-hanging/side-table doesn’t work in the future place we buy? Then what’s the point of buying it now?

I’m not saying this is a good way to live. I’m just saying it’s how I’ve lived for the past four years now.

There are plenty of things I don’t like about this apartment. Namely, the loud neighbors and that one measly kitchen drawer I mentioned earlier. But on nights like tonight, I love it. I’m curled up on the couch with a glass of wine. Dan is in the chair to my left, and we’re watching Harry Potter. The curtains, the book shelf, the white twinkly lights that frame my writing desk— it just feels cozy.

When we moved in over four years ago, that’s exactly how I wanted it to feel. Our friends come over, and they all use the word cozy. We light a candle, and things feel cozy. I read a book, and I just feel cozy. Cozy, cozy, cozy. Is there really any better feeling?

On Friday, my boss lead us through a counterintuitive gratitude exercise. Think of something that you’d normally complain about, and turn it into a gratitude. For example, “My home is just too small,” becomes, “I have a cozy place to live.”

Or how about, “My neighbors are just too loud!” can become, “I’m grateful to have people around me.”

This exercise isn’t meant to shame you for having legitimate concerns or frustrations. It’s just meant to reframe things to remind you that even in the not-so-good things, there is good to be found.

This morning, I went to an Innerworkout class at the Ace Hotel in Fulton Market*. The Innerworkout is a new workout developed by friend Taylor that incorporates yoga, dance, journaling and meditation. It’s a workout for your whole being and has been an excellent companion in my pursuit integrate my physical health with my spiritual health.

My friend Toni and I have established a monthly date. We go to the Innerworkout, then we head downstairs for brunch in the lobby of the Ace Hotel. It’s delicious, it’s a bit trendy, and it’s exactly the kind of thing you imagine you’d do if you were to one day become a city girl.

Each Innerworkout class has a theme, and this month’s theme was gratitude. Taylor lead us through a series of stretches and movements before giving us five minutes to answer a journal prompt: Where did I feel grateful? and Where was I lacking?

Taylor encouraged us to answer the questions starting with the class, and then expanding out into our lives.

I was a little bit grumpy about gratitude this morning and not excited to participate. Some things have been shaken up recently that I really don’t want to confront, and they were heavy on my mind this morning. 

I sat down on my mat, picked up my journal and began to write. I started with my gratitude for Taylor, for the class and the way it gives me freedom to really move. I wrote about where I was lacking —  lacking space in both the class and in my everyday life. As I journaled, the heavy and unwanted things shook their way to the surface again. How can I find gratitude in this? I thought.

I’m grateful for the information, came my internal reply.

We might want to avoid the hard things— even if they’re just feelings or unmet desires or unhealed wounds or anger that someone has wronged you. But if we have the courage to lean in, to engage with the information we’ve been given, God can use the attention we give those things to set us a litte more free.

So, what hard thing have you been avoiding? Is there a feeling? A memory? A conversation? Confront it. Bring it before God. Unpack that box, and ask yourself more questions. Look for the thing behind the thing, and know God is right there in it with you.

I think again and again about those verses from Isaiah 43: When you walk through the water, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty you will not drown. When you walk through the fires of oppression, you will not be burned up, for I am the Lord your God…

I need this constant reminder— that God didn’t create me to stand behind him in fear, but to walk beside him in courage. I do myself a real disservice when I use prayer, or my faith, to shield me from pain and/or discomfort. God is squarely there in the middle of it, working to redeem, and I want to meet him in it today.